Suggestions for adult children caring for aging parents
Published in OA Online By Raylene Weaver, LPC of Centers for Children and Families
The Beatles will always be one of my favorite groups. One of their songs that has hit home with me while thinking about this particular article is, “When I’m Sixty-four”.
People want to be needed and appreciated especially when approaching a time in life when it’s easy to be disregarded or forgotten. The aging process can be stressful, causing some to suffer anxiousness and sadness. Several of my clients and friends have faced or are facing tough decisions that are affecting their parents and themselves. I would like to pass on a few suggestions regarding the physical, emotional, mental and financial aspects of AGING that might alleviate some of the stress that can definitely arise for all concerned.
A…ASK parents specific questions concerning their health. Do family members know their medical history, names of their doctors, any medications they might be taking or appointments they are scheduled on a regular basis? If on Medicaid or Medicare, do they also carry supplemental insurance? Are all financial papers, investments, bank account information, bill payment procedures, updated will, computer passwords and any other important documents or information easily accessible? Do they have a bereavement plan?
G…GUILTY feelings about wanting to be prepared by creating a plan for a parent’s future? Questions concerning the private aspects of their lives might seem like prying but this can hopefully be of some consolation for parents, knowing that they will be taken care of “when the time comes”. The objective for the children is to be “in the know” not to be “nosey”.
I…INDEPENDENT lifestyle is what one wants for aging parents. Parents hope to be independent for as long as possible. They want to continue to travel, take care of their own bills, shop, visit friends and attend worship services. Children sometimes become too “helpful” when parents are capable of handling chores and projects and making decisions for their future. Parents do need family members visiting and checking in on them, showing care and concern, just not insisting on control.
N…NECESSARY intervention will be inevitable for many parents. Knowing when to step in and offer the appropriate type of care and assistance can be stressful. Emotions will surface that might not have been seen or experienced before. When going thru matters for instance, pertaining to insisting a parent not drive any longer, taking over their physical and financial aspects of daily life or ultimately moving them into a facility for mental or physical issues or children becoming caretakers of parents in their own homes, professional agencies might be considered. Seeking assistance from those in the medical field, state/local agencies and counseling professionals might become necessary. But until this time arises…
G…GIVE the gift of respect, love and kindness to parents. They are experiencing and living life to the best of their abilities like their children. One article I came across by Evan H Farr, “What Aging Parents Really Want from Their Adult Children”, stated that adult children should: 1) make suggestions instead of giving orders, 2) pick your battles about what parents can and cannot do, 3) reframe, don’t blame and 4) stop and think how you would want to be treated.
So I guess that brings me back to the Beatles. A couple of the lines from Paul and John’s song says, “Will you still need me, will you still feed, me when I’m sixty-four?” Can I just ask…when I’m 74, 84, 94?
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